Speaking the Same Language – How Parents & Teens can Connect

Tips on how to talk to teens. -File Photo

By Maria C. Alba, Psy.D., Postdoctoral Psychology Fellow, Montefiore Medical Center 

May 16, 2023 

HEALTH - During the teenage years, parents and youth may have more conflicts and fewer opportunities to connect. 

When parents and teens communicate effectively it can build trust, bring them closer together, encourage sharing of everyday experiences and buffer teens against feelings of isolation.

Each parent, teen, and family are unique but adapting the below tips to suit your values and preferences can help to reduce conflict and increase communication.

 

Start with validation 

Validation is communicating to the other person that their emotions, behavior, or experience are important and acknowledged. Validation shows the other person that we’re listening and want to understand. This method is scientifically proven to reduce emotional intensity, anger, and defensiveness, allowing us to have deeper conversations, rather than closing them off.  

If your child comes home from school and shares that they are annoyed or upset, you might say something like, “It sounds like you had a rough day! I would be tired and cranky too.” 

This is not just for parents; teens can use this approach to communicate better too. If your parent is angry with you, you might say something like, “It makes sense you’re angry with me. I know I shouldn’t have broken your rule.”  

Agreement and validation are not the same. Sometimes, we want to signal that we are listening without endorsing a behavior or action. If you want to address disrespectful words and actions, you can validate and set limits at the same time - saying something like “I understand you are angry with me right now. Still, please do not curse or raise your voice.”  

For teens, if your parent imposes a rule you don’t agree with, you can both validate and start a conversation: “I know you want me to be safe and I want that too. Can we find a way for me to be safe and still go hang out with my friend?” 

 

Find the middle path. Parents and teens can disagree and become polarized quickly. To find a solution, we need to recognize the pieces of truth on each side.  

For example, if a teen’s curfew is 10 pm, and they want to stay out at a party that ends at 2 am, parents should communicate that curfews are a way to keep teens safe. 

From a teen’s perspective, it is understandable that they want to spend time with friends and ask for more freedom as they become closer to adulthood.

A middle path solution is not the same as a compromise. A middle solution could look like extending the curfew to 11pm but requesting that the teen check in by text every 30 minutes. Another option could be allowing the teen to have friends over for a sleepover instead of a later curfew. In contrast, the compromise would be extending the curfew to midnight.  

 

Create time to authentically connect

Parent-teen relationships can become tense and transactional. Incorporating conversations and opportunities to connect while spending quality time together is important to your connection. 

Some ideas for activities include; watch a show and talk about each episode together, cook, play a game, walk in the park, listen to music, plan a fun trip for the future, talk about nice memories, etc. These activities will help you to connect and communicate openly, so when tensions arise, both parties have the tools to address them in a calm and respectful manner – speaking in the same language and coming up with solutions together.